If you have been following me on Instagram or my previous post, you might know I have been to Osaka for new year celebration with my family. During the trip, I actually faced a slight mental conflict because trips, as usual, disrupt my diet plan and exercise routine.
I don't follow any diet, neither intermittent fasting, ketone diet, nor vegan. I have tried, but I cannot live like in that way for long. I value the quality of food I eat, labeling healthy food and junk food especially. In everyday life, I avoid unhealthy food as much as I can, and this is why I am known as a healthy girl around my friends. During lunch, I order healthy sandwiches with lettuce and boiled chicken breast inside, or having a low GI bento box. Food can make me happy, but it also easily drives me crazy. Recently, I notice the word “orthorexia” which can best describe my situation. For once, I am doubting that if I am truly undergoing orthorexia. Healthy lifestyle should not distort my value but leading me to a better life, right?
I am losing in a healthy lifestyle and cannot figure out WHY I want to stay so healthy.
Turing our topic back to my trip to Japan, especially about the issue of body confidence, body image, and self-control during the vacation. It sounds annoying, but I often felt guilty after eating the greasy beef, a lot of rice, and Japanese sweets. One night, I lay in the bed and confessed my distress with my sister. She offered me some words which really lit me up. “ Forget about your diet and restriction when you are having fun. Save those when we are back home, or you will regret these wonderful food you miss right now.” This kind of “you-only-live-once” spirit was appealing to me, and it is also some cheer-up that I truly need at that time. I felt like the relaxing and joyful vibes from this family trip can easily be destroyed by my unreasonable guilt from eating. I would not let this kind of things happen.
During the rest of the trip, I embraced everything on the table (Umm, except eel livers or something that I could not recognize.) I kept myself eating more slowly than usual, tasting the flavors carefully, and enjoyed every bite I took. I stopped worrying about how long I should exercise to burn these goodies off. I shared food with my family, one bite of cheese cake from my sister, and another bite of steak from my father. I enjoyed those delicacies, including chocolate and whisky gelato, made from the Italian chef. I enjoyed four meals a day. I was comfortable with walking for daily exercise. Most importantly, I learned to live in present and love my body.
Yesterday, my parents and I went to an American style restaurant. I actually love this kind of restaurant even though there is nothing health-relating thing here. However, I always come here for its chicken avocado salad. Protein, healthy fat, and fibers, all in this huge salad bowl. It was such a weird scenery when both your parents were eating a grilled beef burger, garlic french fries, fried squid, and pasta; I, on the other hand, was elegantly eating salad with forks. Drinking warm water instead of coke, oh my god, it does not sound sexy at all! Who wants to date with this kind of healthy girl? So, this time, I made a change. I ordered a taco (umm, but it was a grilled veggie taco), ate some garlic fries, rice, and fried squid. I focused too much on how the nutrients gonna work on my body while forgetting the fact that food can actually make me happy.
Now, I am trying hard to embrace my flaws (It takes so much effort). They give me uniqueness and remind me of the fact of imperfection. Sometimes, I am upset by myself in the mirror, distressing about how I look and how will people evaluate today’s me. However, I came to realize that I should live in present not in the illusion. I should make every day special and have an open-minded personality in real life.
You may have read thousands of articles about body image or healthy diet plans, bluh bluh bluh before, but here are just some of my personal experience and thoughts. This trip made me a new person at the beginning of 2019, for the family time we had been together and some insights I gained when living intimately with my sister.
Thanks for reading. Hope we can gain confidence and love ourselves together!